One Kiss Can Say 1338 Words
by myriassterre
Summary: Buffy thinks about her 'relationship' with Angel, it's not a happy one either. BA. COMPLETE.


One Kiss Can Say 1338 Words  
By Maddy

**Summary:** Buffy's unhappy thoughts about Angel…  
**Rating:** R for language, but PG13 for everything else.  
**Spoilers: **Some Shanshu and season 5 stuff and specifically what happened in NFA.  
**Timeline:** A month or so after 'Not Fade Away.'  
**Disclaimer:** The characters don't belong to me at all.  
**Distribution: **Any sites that already have some of my fic can take, but if not, just ask.  
**Feedback:** Yes please like always.  
**Author's Notes:** Not a very happy little fic, so an angst warning is in order.

_**

* * *

**_

I think that maybe I could have done something differently, said something else, made him stay…tie him up if I had to. He said I couldn't change it, that I couldn't do anything. Bullshit, I must have done something wrong, I must have. I don't want to believe that it just happened, nothing just happens, I've seen too much to think otherwise.

What do you do when the one you love doesn't love you anymore? This, this is what you do. You end up brooding like there's no tomorrow and half wanting to die. Yeah, he doesn't love me anymore, or he doesn't want me…whatever. How do I know? Did I ask him? Yeah, I asked him, surprised? At what? That I asked him, or about what he said?

It was only 3 weeks ago that I last saw him. Angel had shown up in Rome and he was human. Don't get all excited and hopeful, I did and I shouldn't have. Angel's human now, something to do with an ancient prophecy foretelling that the vampire with a soul will 'Shanshu.' But we're not together, there's nothing keeping us apart, but now there's nothing keeping us together. He doesn't love me anymore, and it doesn't matter that I still love him. See there I go, brooding and getting carried away, I really should stop now.

So, he was in Rome, he told me about the Black Thorn and the mega huge fight behind his old hotel. He told me that they were all dead. Fred, Wesley, Gunn and Spike. Did it hurt that Spike was dead? No, not at the time. I was too happy that Angel made it and was here with me. Now, I'm mourning for Spike, as my old friend and ally. Not as anything else. He might not like that, but he'd understand and he's dead now. Who bloody cares what Spike thinks? Angel doesn't love me anymore, and right now I can't think of anything worse.

Angel spent a lot of time up in the room I had made up for him. I respected his need to be alone, but as Dawn pointed out: I wanted to up there alone with him. Did that make sense? I let him be for five days, had a talk to Will, Xander and Dawn about what I should do. I won't go into too much detail, but the gist of it is, yes, you should try again. So I went up into his room and we talked for awhile, avoiding the topic of us.

It wasn't until a day later that I told him what I wanted. I couldn't read his expression or posture. I panicked and ran from the room, he came after me, yelling my name. He didn't say it like he used to. I stopped dead and began crying as I sunk to my knees. It hit me like a tonne of bricks: he didn't love me anymore.

"Don't, Angel. Just don't."

"Buffy, let me explain."

"What is there to explain? You don't love me anymore, you don't want me, or us. Leave, Angel. It's what you're good at."

"Damn it, Buffy. I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean for it to happen. I should've, I-"

"I said LEAVE!"

I screamed, got to my feet again and took off running right out of the house. Angel followed me. I made it outside before he grabbed my arm and tried to pull me to him.

"Buffy! Stop it, Buffy! Calm down, calm down-"

"Don't talk to me like that. I'm not having an episode. How would you feel, Angel, huh? What would you do if you found out the one person you've ever loved didn't want you anymore?"

"I don't know, act like you are."

"Bastard." I pulled my arm free, using all the strength I could manage without doing some harm. "You God damn fucking bastard. This isn't happening," Denial had set in, I think I'm still in it. "I refuse to believe that you don't love me anymore. You're not Angel, he wouldn't do this-"

"I am Angel. I do love you."

"Ha, fuck off. Don't say that, don't. You have no right or reason to say that to me anymore. Just leave, I want you gone by the time I get back." I gave him one last look of hate, contempt, sadness, regret…I pretty much tried to get every unhappy emotion to show on my face. And I walked away, yeah, I left. What a change.

When I eventually got back to my house the next day (don't ask what I did during that night, don't really remember), he was gone. All his things removed from the room he had spent the last week in. The room was right next to mine, did I mention that? I loved that we were so close, but still had our distance, made me kinda nostalgic.

I spent the day cleaning out the room. I didn't want it to smell like him, so now it smells like disinfectant and clean linen. But I still couldn't shake the feeling that he was somewhere close by. I always got this feeling in my stomach when Angel was around. At first, all those years ago, I summed it up to him being a vampire and me being the one who was meant to kill his kind. But it's something so much more than that.

So imagine my surprise when I found him sitting in my bed when I 'retired for the evening.'

"What are you doing here? I thought I told you to leave."

"I did, for about ten minutes. Then I come back, hung around the neighbourhood, watched you…I didn't handle it well yesterday and neither did you."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he just kept on talking and what he said was interesting:

"I love you, Buffy. More than I will ever love anyone in any life. But I don't know if I'm _in_ love with you. I don't think I'm capable of it anymore, too much as happened to both of us. I used to believe that all I needed was to know that I love you, for it to be okay. I need more now, not from you, there's nothing you can do. I have to find whatever it is that I've lost. I don't want to say goodbye, Buffy."

He got up off my bed, I was standing there like a total idiot, stunned and speechless. And hurt beyond belief. He came to stop in front of me, as much as I didn't want it to happen, I began to cry.

"Don't cry, I will come back to you."

And he kissed me. And I could tell that he didn't love me like I wanted him to. Like he once did, many years ago. I thought that I was safe in loving him, that he would always love me back. Shows how much I know, or knew.

Maybe he does love me in some way that I don't understand, I don't want to, he was supposed to love me for always, he said it, I said it.

_I will come back to you..._

Maybe he will, I wish I knew for sure that he was going to come back to me. His kiss told me some things, but it didn't tell me that. What did it tell me besides that he's still one hell of a kisser? That it was still there, the passion that I remember us sharing. It was heartbreakingly faint, I hardly felt it, but the passion was still there. I'm going to hold onto that.

_I will come back to you..._

"I hope so, I really do." I told nobody, for I no longer had anybody. Whoa, enough of the self-pity and depression! There's no one in the room, you're talking to yourself. Get a hold of your sanity, Buffy. "He'll come back. But if he doesn't, and it's a big 'if,' you'll be okay. You'll be okay…"

* * *

I'm back a little earlier then first planned, hope you liked, tell me if you did (well, even if you didn't). 


End file.
